Follicle size update- 15 mm

I am in such a bad mood today.
I had my appointment AGAIN this morning.

My follicle on my right side measured at 15.9 mm.

I am just feeling BLAH.

I have no idea what is going.
I have no schedule.

My next appointment is Saturday at 9:15.

That will be CD 13.

The nurse thinks they will retrieve the egg on Saturday/Monday.


I am so not in the mood to write. Sorry:(

Grow follicle GROW!!!!!

This is day 2 on Tamoxifen.

It feels very similar to how I felt on Clomid.

I searched online all last night to see if there was anything I could do to help my follicle along....

I found that a warm water bottle can help- So I used one all night and snuck one at my desk today...

I really hope it helps.

Today I feel like something is going on down there.... Hopefully my 10 mm follicle is growing growing growing!

One more day to go- then another ultra-sound and blood test!

Until then, I will keep my water bottle warm:)

Update CD 8 - Tamoxifen???

So, today I went in for my monitoring appointment and they measured my follicles by doing an ultrasound....
I have one follicle they are looking at that was 10 mm.

The tech girl immediately acted like that was not very good and I would for sure have to come back again- I tried not to freak out.

I went back to the waiting room and googled what it SHOULD be...from what I could see it should be around 17-22 mm.

The nurse called me back and said it was fine and totally normal- and told me they would call when they got my blood results back.

They called at about 10 AM and said the doctor wanted me to go on an oral medication once a day.


I rushed to the pharmacy on my lunch to see what this medication was....

It is called Tamoxifen 20 MG.

I am trying to find out why I am taking this and if it works??????


I am feeling relieved that they aren't just gonna sit back and wait to see how my body reacts and are giving me medicine!

I will go back on Thursday the 28th.


I really hope my little follicle grows grows grows!!!!!!


And I really hope that I can find out some more info on Tamoxifen-


*** We made our final payment today! Here we go!

Update on NC-IVF

Today was amazing!
Chad and I went on a hike in Malibu to a waterfall.
It took us about 2 hours and was the perfect trick to keep our mind off of this upcoming week!
Tomorrow we have a 7:30AM monitoring appointment. And we make our big ole $4,000.00 payment too.
YIKES!
After this appointment, we should have everything scheduled from the egg retrieval to when we hopefully have a positive pregnancy test!

I can't believe it is really happening!

I am so ready!

Tomorrow's appointment will be CD 10.

Here are some pics from the beach in Malibu after our hike! Check out the starfish!
Beautiful!

CD 3- First day of monitoring

Today I went to my first monitoring appointment-
The appointment was at 7:30AM-
I woke up with nervous energy-
Took a shower and drove on over....
I was the first patient there-
They did an ultra-sound and a blood test.
I had to wait to talk to the doctor since this is my first cycle with the clinic-
He really didn't put my mind at ease- He is so confident it throws me off.
We had to pay $650.00 today for our monitoring appointments- On day 8 our FULL amount is due. YIKES!
Everything I have read makes me feel so uneasy.
But, we are going forward!
I go back on day 8 which will be Monday!
They will then be able to nail down our dates for retrieval!!!!!
Let the prayers begin! I am praying my body is ready to accept a baby!!!!!! Now trying to enjoy the next couple days!
My Dad is celebrating his 60th bday on Friday!
I am working on a special project for him!
I wil post pics!

Is anyone reading this?

CYCLE day 1 is FINALLY here!!!!!!

I started my period today- which was sad for like one second!!!!
It means we are starting our monitoring!!!!
I called the clinic and I will go in for an ultra-sound and blood test on Wednesday, February 20th at 7:30AM!!!!!

OMG.
OMG.

I have no idea what to expect... but here we go!

Devastated once again...

Today, it is 4 days before my period is due.
So like every other month for the last 2+ years- I used a dollar tree test to see if maybe just maybe there would be that 2nd line.
Nope.
Stark white.
Whiter than white in the 2nd line position.
I need to stop looking at it in the bathroom - because when I look at my face afterwards in the mirror- I feel like I am looking at a failure.
I have failed again.
Failed at a chance to be able to do one of the most natural womanly function there is.
To have a baby.
It is such a blessing to have a child... but I haven't been blessed.
It hurts so bad.
My heart is so broken.
I feel so alone.


I feel empty.
I just can't.

Freaking out.

Tonight I got home from work and decided to stalk the message boards for more info on the TYPE of IVF we are doing.
It is called NC-IVF ( Natural Cycle).
I just freaked out and seriously can't breathe.
I am now reading it is a marketing ploy that IVF clinics use to get patients to come in.
****
OMG.
OMG.
Calm down.
I am 32 years old.
Unexplained Infertility.
I should be a good candidate for this.

I am so nervous.

My heart is beating so fast.

Chad and I felt so positive about the clinic and the doctor. We did our research but maybe I was only trying to convince Chad to do it.....

I wish there was a fast forward button so I can see what is going to happen.

This can't be good freaking out like this-

Time to quiet down my mind and continue to dream of being a mom.

I have to keep trying -----

Opening up about IVF

Chad and I have told only (3) people about our possible IVF cycle.
I confided in a great friend at work.
Not only do I value her opinion but I have watched her become a wonderful mother of twin boys!
She has been amazing.
She mentioned to me that another co-worker has been struggling with fertility issues.
She has a 3 year old son ( or around that age:/)He is adorable.
Anyways, she encouraged me to go to lunch w. the three of them and share what I was going through...
I don't know why- but I was super nervous to share.
#1: I don't want too many people to know at work
#2: I feel like I can't explain what is going to happen because I have no idea how it will go
#3 I still feel a little "judged" saying we are doing IVF


The conversation was nice... there were questions that I wasn't able to answer but that is okay.
I am going through this and I have friends that want to be there to support and pray for me. I just need to learn to accept their support and not freak out when I can't answer every IVF question.

It was also nice to know other people are struggling month to month as well.
I know that sounds bad- but it is what it is. I can't explain how sick it is.


She also mentioned a lot of her friends are dealing w. fertility issues.
Whew.
I mean, I know that from the other blogs/message boards I read- but to talk to someone was pretty cool.

I hope it will get easier to actually TALK about and not just write about.
I will try to keep practicing!

xoxo

Infertility: What happens when you are invited to a baby shower?

Here is one of the things I used to LOVE so much...
A BABY SHOWER!!!!!
But now, it has turned into a thing I dread.
It is such an awkward feeling being sad/jealous before a baby shower.
Since we have been trying for a baby- I have attended countless baby showers and 1st/2nd and 3rd bdays of people who got pregnant while I was trying!

A co-worker is having a surprise baby shower tomorrow at lunch.

I am super happy for her.
I could not bring myself to shop for a gift until tonight after work - hoping I would try to hurry and not think about it too much.

It was not even as bad as I thought.

I had a blast picking out little girl stuff!

I kept thinking, how would I want people to treat me when it is FINALLY my turn for a shower?
I would be so sad if I knew someone was heartbroken shopping for my baby gift.
So, I had a happy heart and it was fine.

We will see how it goes tomorrow:/


Here is some pics of what I picked out for the little baby girl!

Waiting is so hard!

I love days like this.
A semi-stormy day in cali.
The perfect day to stay home and enjoy just relaxing.
I have been bouncing from site to site looking at all things IVF and all things baby.
So far, I have planned a nursery and laughed at jokes on pinterest.com about TTC'ing and IVF.

I just want to remember this calm feeling in the upcoming weeks!

I found this cute little poster and thought it would help me when I look back at my blog.

Seriously, this could be the last couple weekends I have NOT being pregnant. That is such a cool feeling.

I have also calculated when our baby would be due.

I think it would be a November baby!

YEAH YEAH YEAH!

OMG! 

It could happen! It will happen!

I can't wait to be a mom.

It was what I was meant to be.

I know Chad will be the BEST dad too!

I just know our little family will be amazing! xoxo

Our last blood test before monitoring!!!!!!

Today we had our last blood test before I call the clinic to start our FRESH IVF cycle!!!!!
We are thrilled!
We arrived early today and the staff was so nice and took us in early and we were out super fast!
The front desk girl asked if I was expecting my period soon....
I told her around the 20th of February.... She said she would see me soon and it really started to sink in - THIS IS HAPPENING!

Of course, we are hoping to get those 2 pink lines on our own this month and not have to even go through this.... but it is so exciting that we are finally ready to GO!

I am researching what to eat and how I am supposed to feel during this process.

I have started taking prenatal vitamins and have cut down on my Coke drinking- ( I know it is bad!)

Here is a pic of my poor arm after today:)

To tell or not to tell....that is my question.....

I can still clearly remember being 24 years old and knowing I wanted to have a baby with Chad. We talked about it and he would smile and say- OH Hollie, we are too young and we need more money. I agreed- kind of.

I had a plan for myself that stemmed from childhood, I guess.

I was going to get married at 24 and have my first baby at 26.

As the years went by I had to release that dream. And it was not easy - even though, now looking back I see how immature I was and how much better of an adjusted person I am now.

What is my point here?

I have been struggling trying to figure out how to intro what we have been going through trying to have a family.

It is so painful but I still want to share... not even for everyone else but for myself.

I have no one to talk about my feelings- mainly because I don't know what to say. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what to say.

What is wrong?

Nothing. We have unexplained infertility.

What does that mean?

It means we have been "trying" for over 2 years.

It means I have been tracking each cycle each month for over 2 years. It mean ovulation sticks, it means countless pregnancy tests with one line. It means once a month Chad has to see one sad girl.

It means hearing the following over and over:

Just relax.

It will happen.

You have plenty of time.

Have you tried Clomid?

Have you checked Chad?

What about adoption?

Oh, I am so sorry... I got pregnant right away.

This August we had a great surprise I got about 14 positive pregnancy tests! Yes, 14!!!!!! I was obsessed!

I called my doctor. Scheduled a blood test. Called my girlfriend and my mother in law.

Next day- BAM- blank test.

Period.

Really? It was the first time I ever had a positive and it felt amazing. 

Fast forward to NOW- February 2013.

We are seeing a fertility specialist in Irvine, CA.

And around the 20th of this month we will start monitoring for a fresh cycle of IVF!

We are beyond thrilled.

I have no idea what I am doing.

I am trusting this doctor.

I am not one of those girls that knows all of the terms and definitions.

It actually makes me more nervous.... so I will share my experience and maybe we can go through this together?????

Today we have our last 3 blood tests.

We have already completed about 12 others.

So, here we go!

Thanks for reading!!! xoxo

Nervous

Tonight I am feeling totally nervous.
Are we doing the right thing?
Will it work?
What if it does work?
What if it doesn't?
I need to get rid of this anxiety and go to bed:)

Thank GOD for friends

Today I am reminded about how great it is to have a friend to vent to about life's little and HUGE decisions.
I had lunch w. a co-worker/friend and we ate lunch in the car after rushing to do some shopping during our lunch break.
I just love hearing another perspective and knowing someone is there when I need support.
I am very grateful to have people in my life that care about me!

Double Date Night

Last night we had such a great time. We made plans w. Chad's brother and wife to go see a movie.
This was a special treat for us to get to hang out w. them...We decided to meet at Chili's for some dinner then go see a movie.

Chili's had an hour long wait at 5:30- who knew we picked a restaurant during a Ducks hockey game- Oops!
So we headed over the the Block in Orange.

We saw the movie Warm Bodies- it was really different but nice and light!

After the movie, we had a super fun dinner at TGI Fridays.

Chad and I really enjoyed hanging out w. Colby and Rebecca- we are so happy they are back in CALI!

It is so important to us both to have family in our lives.

We are constantly wondering where exactly we fit into our own families...so it is so nice to connect!

A new month!

I have been so inspired by other blogs. I love how they have captured thoughts and feeling and memories!
I am going to attempt to document what is going on in our family- Not only for myself but to share and get support!

I want to share some of our pictures from Maui.

Chad and I were so blessed to be able to go on a trip to Maui in November of 2012.
Words can not even begin to describe how amazing the trip was for Chad and I.
Things I never ever want to forget:
Warm Air
Crystal clear water
The sound of the waves from our hotel room
The relaxing feeling I had the entire trip
Snorkeling
Pineapple
Flowers
Warm Sand

I am doing anything I can to get back! I want to live there.
Everyone keeps trying to talk me out of it.

This was the saddest part of the trip. Coming home. A feeling I really did not expect to have.